As promised, I thought I’d give you a little update with what has been going on with me. I’ve received so much love and support from you all after my last blog post (over five months ago now) and I am so grateful. I wrote in that blog that you may have to be patient with me whilst I learn to stand on my own two feet again and how I might be a little crap at responding to messages and so on. Thank you for being patient with me. I know I have not been the most reliable human over at least the last six months (more like the last year) – I try not to make excuses for myself but I think I’ve had extenuating circumstances.
Six months. Six whole months. When I hit that six month mark it was a bit of a holy shit moment. I still remember sitting absolutely broken, my arms shaking in shock and anger, on the day I kicked him out and honestly I would not have believed you if you had told me this is where I would be now. I would have laughed (and probably cried). So, six months is a big deal to me. It’s just an absolute joy to see how far I’ve come.
That is not to say I don’t have off days. Being cheated on and emotionally manipulated cut me in a way I can never describe to people who have never experienced it. There are still dark moments where everything hits me and my brain becomes overwhelmed. My mental health is far from perfect. I think it is important to be transparent about that. I’ve found that, especially at the moment, it is really damn hard to get your mental health fully back on track.
Like many people, my mental health suffers with lockdowns. I find myself in a space where, no matter how hard I try and work at it, my life feels like it is on hold and I feel stuck. I realise that have a certain level of privilege attached to this. I haven’t lost my job, I have a roof over my head, I don’t live alone and I haven’t lost anyone to coronavirus. I know there are so many people out there who have lost so many things during this horrible time. I am also aware that I view this from the perspective of mental health and domestic abuse because they are things which I have personally experienced and watched my nearest and dearest struggle with throughout this pandemic. I can’t even begin to imagine how awful it is to lose and grieve for someone right now.
I miss my friends. I miss visiting bookshops. I miss not having to wear a mask. I miss going to museums and looking at dinosaur exhibits. I miss so much. And without all of that, life just feels a little empty. On top of that, I think that my experience throughout the first lockdown, and the calamity of the events that followed it, causes my brain to just shut down. I find that not only my mental state suffers but I also lose inspiration for designing and I end up losing the will to login to social media everyday. And for that I am sorry. Because as much as I miss all of these things I also miss all of you wonderful people on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter etc. So, I’m going to try and work at it instead of giving in to the way being locked down is making me feel.
However, it is not like I’ve been using this time off socials for nothing. First and foremost, I have been working on myself. I am single for the first time in my adult life and that is a whole new experience for me (and a positive experience for the most part). I am learning what I, just me, truly loves again. Whether that is reading all of the Lord of the Rings books or binge watching Schitt’s Creek and Parks and Rec with my parents or learning that I absolutely love The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild. I’ve been drawing pictures of puffins (because puffins are cool), baking croissants from scratch and laughing more than I have in years. I’m also finally attempting to work on my social anxiety as I feel like it is time to not let it hold me back anymore. Of course, my life is (and will always be) filled with dinosaurs – that goes without saying. I’m finding that this ‘being on your own thing’ is actually nice. The freedom is very refreshing. And I absolutely love that I am now in a space where I am learning to love (I mean really seriously, properly love) myself again. It is a long, often tricky, process but it is a good one.
So, on a positive note, I have some good news to share with you all. I am moving – not just down the road either. I have lived in Nottingham my whole life, and although I am beyond sad to leave it behind, I am moving on to something new and exciting. So, at the beginning of April I will be heading down to Exeter to temporarily move in with my brother and then at some point in (hopefully) Summer I will be heading down to Helston in Cornwall (fingers crossed – I don’t want to jinx anything at the moment). I am too damn excited. It has always been my dream to one day live not only by the coast but by the Cornish coast so I’m beyond grateful that I’m able to actually do it. On top of that, it just feels like the fresh start I have been longing for since six months ago happened. I can’t wait for life to no longer feel like it is on pause.
My Etsy shop will close for a week or so in early April (and again when I move to Cornwall) so if there is anything you want to buy then I suggest snapping it up sooner rather than later. I intend to keep up with social media a lot better but with the chaos of relocating down the country I may drop in and out a little bit. However, I am hoping to share my new adventures with you as I go as well as starting to properly design and geek out about dinosaurs again. Feel free to nag me if I haven’t been in touch for too long – sometimes I just need a kick up the backside.
Life is looking up and I am so grateful for all of you who have stuck by me through this crappy, complicated period of The Cookieraptor. It means the world to this 24 year old dinosaur geek.
Thank you all. I hope 2021 is treating you okay and if you are in lockdown it is not getting you down too much.